Comforting the Grieving

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal; love leaves a memory no one can steal - Unknown

My host mom's dad died tonight. He'd been in the hospital in St. Elizabeth for about a week now, sick with pneumonia. They'd gone to visit everyday. Today, about five minutes after they left, the nurse called them and said that he had passed. He was 89 years old.

I've always had a hard time dealing with death. Not really the thought of death itself, but how it affects the ones left behind. I've never had anyone, who I was extremely close to, die. The closest was my grandma. When she died, it didn't really seem real. I stood over her at the funeral home, but it just seemed as if she was sleeping. I cried, but not as much as I thought I should have. I mean, I knew her my whole life. She babysat me before I started preschool and sometimes during the summers while my parents worked. I remember us watching Young and the Restless, One Life to Live, The Bold and the Beautiful - her "stories", as she would call them. Had to be quiet during her "stories". She made sure she was there for every graduation and awards day. And she would always try to slip me $5 after I would show her my report card, even though she probably needed that $5. I remember when she was a substitute teacher for a couple of years (in her early 70's), and she would sit at the desk with her large red reading glasses sitting right on the tip of her nose, as she alternated looks between the class and her Bible. She had always wanted to be a teacher, but had to drop out to work and take care of the family. But she went back to night school in her 60's and finally got her teaching certificate. The memory that sticks out the most in my mind is the day she rode with me and my parents to the University of Alabama to help me move on campus. She hugged me so tightly and told me how proud she was. I remember her exact words: I'm so happy I lived long enough to see you graduate and go to college. She died that same semester...during finals week. That's my excuse for not passing calculus...

I got off on a tangent, but what I'm really wondering is: how do you comfort someone who has just lost a loved one?  I had no idea how to comfort my mom when my grandma died. And tonight, as I waited for my host mom to come home, I had no idea what I would say to her. After she got home and got settled, I asked if she was ok. She was crying, but fortunately she wasn't extremely emotional...I don't think I would know how to handle that. I stood in the kitchen with them for a while. Everyone was quiet. I ended up washing the dishes while they got ready to go to bed. I wanted to help but I had no idea what to do or what to say. I sympathize with them but I definitely can't say I know what they're going through, because I don't. And I'm bad with emotions. I avoid funerals because I can't imagine being around so much crying and grieving. I've imagined if I was the grieving person, no words would be enough to comfort me, at least initially; I would just want to be left alone. But that's my weird personality; I can't assume that everyone is the same.

As I always do when I'm looking for answers, I googled it. As expected, there are many many websites with suggestions. The most common suggestion is to just be there. Be there to listen. Be there to help with anything that needs done. And be there just for a shoulder to cry on. I guess I basically knew all of that, but for some reason, when it's time to actually carry those things out, I can't commit fully. I'll definitely be there to help, but the other "emotional" parts, I'm just not that comfortable with yet. I'm really hoping that I grow out of this phase. After all, I am getting older (25 this year!) and people are inevitably gonna start dying. That's life. I gotta learn how to deal with it.